I'm a mentally ill person raising another mentally ill person. With chickens.

Posts tagged ‘Kids’

Decisions Gone By

I think I accidentally started attempting to find myself.  I don’t actually believe in that sort of thing, or mid-life crises, or any of that Eat, Pray, Love journey to self discovery stuff (except the Eat part, which I wholeheartedly believe in, ask the scale at my doctor’s office).  I’m more of a “play the hand you’re dealt” sort of thinker.  I enjoyed reading Elizabeth Gilbert’s book about her journey of self-discovery,  but not for the self-discovery part.  I kind of thought that throwing away relationships and jobs and an entire LIFE was pretty selfish.  I also thought that it was something only a white person with money would do, because most of us are just trying to get from one day to the next hoping we have our kids’ schedule right, that there’s milk in the fridge, that someone paid the utility bills, and that there’s a refill left on the Lunesta. I enjoyed her book because I liked reading about the places I’d never visit and the food I’d never eat;  the rest was kind of ridiculous to someone like me; I don’t have time for that much thought let alone that much energy or money for travel.  But somehow I found myself on an introspective, self discovery “journey” anyway, although journey isn’t really the right word for it as I’ve mostly been in my bed but, my brain has been all over the place, and any other word I use for that just isn’t flattering for someone with ADD and bipolar disorder.

It really did start by accident.  I made amends to someone.  Not because I’m in a twelve step program, but because after over twenty-five years, wise words from a friend, and some serious contemplation, I finally realized that I needed to.  It was too little too late, but the response I received overwhelmed me a bit.  I really did not know how much of the fault lay with me, or how much pain I had inflicted,  because I had pushed the entire relationship so far down inside myself that I literally couldn’t remember whole stretches of time and entire people from that time.   If there was an Olympics of Emotional Suppression I would be a world record holder.

And once that bubbled to the surface other stuff did too.  I spent a morning laying in bed messaging back and forth with another old friend who I had reconnected with after too many years apart. (On a side note:  I know Facebook has a lot of flaws, but I’m glad it’s there for finding people I thought were lost to the winds of time.  I am someone who went to boarding school in high school, and who has moved way too many times; without Facebook I would have lost touch with many people who I dearly love, but Facebook and its pros and cons are a discussion for a different day.)  My friend and I were reliving our glory days as call center employees in Kansas City, a job that we both loved for its ease, for the friends we made, including our missing third “musketeer” Joey, and for just being a good time most days.  She and Joey drove from KC to Minnesota to attend my wedding to the hubby way back in ’95, and the day/weekend wouldn’t have been complete without them.  Somewhere between reliving glory days, deciding on a quest for the missing musketeer (followed by many Holy Grail gifs of course), and talking about our lives now, I typed a sentence that might be the truest thought I’ve ever had.  A thought I didn’t even know was in my head until it came out of my fingers:  Moving away from there is the biggest regret of my life.

Moving away from there is the biggest regret of my life.  It doesn’t seem like such a monumental revelation just on its on like that.  It is though, because there’s a lot of context that goes with it.  The most important thing to know about moving from the KC area back in 1995 is that it was not my idea and I wasn’t happy about it, but I didn’t say no.  I expressed some reservations, but I never said:  “NO. I do NOT want to move. My family is here, I have friends here, I grew up nearby, and I am not ready to start over again right now,”  even though those are the things I was thinking.  I didn’t say those things because I was afraid.  Afraid that if I did say no I would end up twenty-five and TWICE divorced; afraid that if I did say no I would end up with a husband who resented me and would always blame me for everything; afraid that if I did say no to his big idea he would consider me his reason for not being fill-in-the-blank, or whatever it was he wanted to become.  I didn’t say no, and twenty three years later that sentence finds its way onto the screen:  Moving away from there is the biggest regret of my life.

I think that I landed where I was supposed to.  I don’t want to be in KC, or even Missouri, today.  I am comfortable here on the prairie, and the only thing I would change is finding a house outside of town, so I could have some roosters and raise my own baby chicks in a proper barn.  I don’t regret where I ended up at all, but the road to get here?   That is not a smooth one. I have done every thing in my power to fill in the pot holes and pave over the cracks, but I’m afraid this little self-discovery journey my brain has decided to go on is going to take this road back to gravel.

 

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Cranky old lady

I’m having trouble finding any focus today.
The day started with a call from my daughter’s teacher. Apparently she attempted to forge my signature on a behavior slip yesterday rather than show it to me. My signature is illegible, but still distinctly mine so her teacher caught her. And then she talked back to him again. I don’t know what’s gotten into her, but I am NOT happy. She’s also been tardy 18 times this year which is ridiculous as we live right by her school. I’m pretty sure the problem with that is the neighbors: they live next door but they don’t walk. I have no idea why, the parking in front of our school is riduculous. It’s actually faster to walk, but the girls next door don’t so she doesn’t want to either. Drives me crazy. I don’t know what’s up with the behavior. I know she doesn’t really like her teacher, and that none of her friends are in her class, but she’s never been rude or disrespectful before. I think I will check in with the pediatrician about her medication, but she shouldn’t really need an increase yet. It’s a bit disturbing. But she got herself grounded all weekend, so maybe that will help change her tune. I hate to admit it, but I’m kind of annoyed with my neighbor about this one too. Audrey was supposed to have a different teacher this year, but my neighbor requested her and requested that Audrey not be in her daughter’s class (my neighbor shouldn’t piss off her friends if she doesn’t want me to know things) so we got moved to our current teacher at the last minute. And really it’s fine, she’s learning and her grades are good, she’s just bored. I’m not excusing her behavior at all, I just wonder if we’d be in this situation with a more dynamic teacher. But my neighbor complains A LOT, so when she asks for something, she usually gets it. Thankfully they aren’t in dance this year, so at least that’s fun to go to again.  I wonder when I became this person who gets caught up in neighborhood drama? It’s certainly not what I intended for myself. Another thing that makes me wonder if that’s why I’ve become so reclusive? Because the whole “mama drama” (as my other neighbor puts it) thing really isn’t me so I just hide in my house.

I did go out last night, with our friend from out of town and his wife. My husband and another couple went too. It was mostly fun. It was definitely nice to see our friend who I haven’t seen in person since 2004 I think. He was just leaving for his graduate program then, now he has his PhD and does something with computers that no one else understands, and of course makes a ton of money. I always said that he would be the one person we knew that would get rich, so that’s fun. We were reminded of our friend that we lost back in 2008 to suicide, and of our friend who moved and has basically cut himself off from the rest of us, which is sad too. But the reminiscing was nice, and the catching up was fun. I sort of wish my one friend had stayed home though. She just doesn’t know when to not talk! or when to let conversations be about someone else. And she’s a mental health professional!!! Our friendship is one of those that worked very well when I was younger and partied a lot, and was fine from a distance too, but now that she lives here again I kind of question how much we really have in common still. But maybe that’s just me too. I am a bit of a cranky old lady.
Tomorrow is my son’s first appointment with his new psychiatrist, who is also my psychiatrist. I’m glad for the change, but I wish the appointment wasn’t in the morning!