I'm a mentally ill person raising another mentally ill person. With chickens.

Posts tagged ‘#atozchallenge2016’

Brave

I’ve been watching American Idol this season, because it’s the (cue stadium announcer voice) FINAL SEASON. I admit to having a love/hate relationship with the show, and can honestly say that if it hadn’t been for the invention of the DVR I probably would have given up on it a long time ago. That fast forward button is what kept me watching (or not watching) through parades of idiots hoping for their fifteen minutes, through Paula, Ellen, and Kara refusing to say anything meaningful, through Randy Jackson, Steven Tyler, Mariah Carey, and Niki Minaj forgetting to speak English, and through the endless vitriol and narcissism that is Simon Cowell.  I can honestly say that the show today is much improved and I am a bit sad to see it go.

I am also thankful that little fast forward button helped see me through til the end, because I think I am witnessing something great this season, and I would have missed it if that little button hadn’t saved me from all the trash that came before.  I can only imagine what you’re thinking of me right now.  Greatness and Reality television are not synonymous by any stretch of the imagination. And music is subjective, so how dare I tell you that these particular singers are “Great”.  But it’s not the talent that is making it great, and its not the game show format.  I’m seeing something unexpected from the land of all that is fake and vapid and cookie cutter.  I’m seeing BRAVERY shine out of the television, and I am surprised and humbled by it.

 Leaving an abusive man is HARD. Being okay with it is even harder. Twenty-five years later I can barely talk about what happened to me; but, LaPorsha,she OWNS her story, she OWNS her strength, and she KNOWS she deserves someone who likes the things about her that she likes: “my hair, and my church, and my singin'”.  On her home visit she told the women at her former shelter that she sang Mary J. Blige’s No More Drama “for us” and I choked up a bit because I heard my name in that “us”.  Even if LaPorsha didn’t have the hair (that glorious hair!) and the voice, she would still be blessed with strength and bravery.  And the crazy thing is, she isn’t the only one!

LaPorsha has been on my radar from the beginning (with that hair, she may be on NORAD’s radar 😉 ) because her story touched my heart. But when they had the artists tell something about how they came to be artists I didn’t fast forward (probably because I was eating) and I heard something that totally shocked me. Dalton (aka Billy Joe Armstrong 20 some years ago) was talking about how as a kid he would “Feel everything so much more than other kids”. He went on to say that at nine years old he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I couldn’t believe my ears. I actually hit the REWIND button and listened again. Yep, he said bipolar disorder. Wow. Just, WOW.  That may not sound like a big deal to a neurotypical person,  but admitting that you’re bipolar to anyone, let alone millions of people is incredibly brave. I have still told very few of the people I see every day.  I never told anyone at the job I had for almost six years. I told TWO people in my Master’s program, and only one was a professor and she DID use it against me.   The stigma attached to mental illness is real, and its scary. I have a Masters in counseling, and I will never get hired in this town because everyone knows I’m a client. That’s just life. BUT,    since that sound bite Dalton has talked candidly about his disorder, including a conversation with the artist Sia where she states that she is also bipolar, which is truly amazing and a huge step forward for everyone out there dealing with a mental illness and hiding it. We all need to be as brave as Dalton, and as Sia, if we want the stigma to go away. I aim to try harder. This illness is not something to be embarrassed about: It makes me the person I am as much as my blue eyes and my sweet tooth and my inability to get up early and that’s totally fine.

Just a quick step onto my soap box: Bipolar disorder is a disease that unfairly strikes creative minds. There’s even a book about it: Touched with Fire: Manic-Depressive Illness and the Artistic Temperament  by Kay Redfield Jamison. Entertainers of all kinds have kept this illness a secret and self-medicated with whatever they could get their hands on rather than face the stigma attached to having a mental illness. Far too many brilliant artists have left us too soon, and we wonder why?   Using words like crazy, messed-up, not right, off their rocker, psycho, etc. makes you part of the stigma, and could be keeping someone from seeking help they desperately need.

And because Idol is “pulling out all the stops” for their final season, the brave moments don’t end with Dalton Rappatone.  I have no words for the beauty and pain of Kelly Clarkson’s Piece by Piece, or for how hard it must have been to sing that song, on that stage, while being that pregnant. And hats off to Keith, Harry, and Ryan for being guys who can let real emotion show. Oh, THE FEELS!!!!

 

 

 

 

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Critic

Critical:  adjective 1. inclined to find fault or to judge with severity, often too readily.

So, when I decided to do this challenge I was pretty excited about having the weekends off in case I needed to catch up, but I honestly didn’t anticipate being behind on the second day. Sigh.  I didn’t use that as an excuse to quit though. I’m going to write today’s letter and get on with it, nothing bad will happen.   It’s not life or death, it’s a self-imposed challenge. Calm down.  Once I was a musician, and I was the same way about playing, too.  I suspect that is at least partly why I could only advance so far: because there came a point where I needed to be able to play through mistakes in order to grow, and I just could NOT.  If I flubbed a note-on the piano or the flute-I absolutely had to fix it. Performing is about “the show must go on” and I am just not capable of that.

It’s weird that I can be such a perfectionist.  I am NOT a perfectionist about everything.  My house is barely  avoiding being an episode of hoarders, and I am NEVER early to anything.  But following rules for performing or for writing or for really anything others will see (I don’t have people over) is something I’m hard on myself about.  Writing takes me a LONG time some days:   I want every word to be just the right word, every sentence to have just the write tone, every paragraph to  flow just the right way into the next one.  That isn’t easy at all,  and my internal critic is pickier than any of you, dear readers, could ever be.

I’m trying to move past the perfectionism as a writer, at least a little. I try to remind myself that putting my own words on the page is not the same as reading and interpreting notes put on a staff by someone else.  My inner critic is slowly learning to be nicer about what finds its way to the page, which is nice, because my words on the page are just a voice looking for a safe space to be heard.

Now, if that inner critic would start to say something about my HOUSE then maybe we could actually have people over.

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Back in the saddle again

Starting April 1st, since I haven’t been able to get myself back on the blogging track for a while, I am going to take the A to Z challenge.  Every weekday in April I am going to write about a new topic starting with a new letter of the alphabet. Saturdays and Sundays are free (or in my case probably time to hand in late “assignments”). That comes out to 26 days.  I hope that in spite of obstacles like blogging from my phone, and some serious inertia I can complete all of the days. I think it would be good for me to feel like I had some purpose again, and I definitely need something to keep me busy. There are  no length requirements, so some days may just be a quick sentence or two, but I figure that is still getting “back on the horse”.   Some people give themselves a theme for all 26 letters of the alphabet, but since I’m an A to Z challenge virgin I am not going to try to do that.  I will most likely ramble on about myself and my family and my chickens (dogs, bunnies, garden, etc.) as usual.  Sometimes I am as surprised at what ends up on the page as you are, dear reader.

Did “what on earth do you write for ‘X’?”cross your mind?  That is one of the easiest letters:  The X-Files. I heart me some David Duchovny circa 1998 thank you ver