Critical: adjective 1. inclined to find fault or to judge with severity, often too readily.
So, when I decided to do this challenge I was pretty excited about having the weekends off in case I needed to catch up, but I honestly didn’t anticipate being behind on the second day. Sigh. I didn’t use that as an excuse to quit though. I’m going to write today’s letter and get on with it, nothing bad will happen. It’s not life or death, it’s a self-imposed challenge. Calm down. Once I was a musician, and I was the same way about playing, too. I suspect that is at least partly why I could only advance so far: because there came a point where I needed to be able to play through mistakes in order to grow, and I just could NOT. If I flubbed a note-on the piano or the flute-I absolutely had to fix it. Performing is about “the show must go on” and I am just not capable of that.
It’s weird that I can be such a perfectionist. I am NOT a perfectionist about everything. My house is barely avoiding being an episode of hoarders, and I am NEVER early to anything. But following rules for performing or for writing or for really anything others will see (I don’t have people over) is something I’m hard on myself about. Writing takes me a LONG time some days: I want every word to be just the right word, every sentence to have just the write tone, every paragraph to flow just the right way into the next one. That isn’t easy at all, and my internal critic is pickier than any of you, dear readers, could ever be.
I’m trying to move past the perfectionism as a writer, at least a little. I try to remind myself that putting my own words on the page is not the same as reading and interpreting notes put on a staff by someone else. My inner critic is slowly learning to be nicer about what finds its way to the page, which is nice, because my words on the page are just a voice looking for a safe space to be heard.
Now, if that inner critic would start to say something about my HOUSE then maybe we could actually have people over.