I'm a mentally ill person raising another mentally ill person. With chickens.

I can’t foucs

If my posts were a fashion collection Tim Gunn would tell me they need to be more cohesive.

I feel like I start typing and random stuff just comes out of no where. And it surprises me! I had no idea that yesterday’s post would end up where it ended up. That is more than I EVER share, so its a little uncomfortable. But maybe that’s part of the process? Kind of like taking out the garbage or really more like clearing out a hoard (it always comes back to Hoarders). You have to clear away all the STUFF to see what’s there. And my brain is certainly full of stuff.  Stuff is a very non-writerly word, but I can’t come up with a more specific one right now. I don’t really KNOW what’s buried in all the stacks and piles in my brain, and I guess I won’t know what’s in them until I start dragging the piles outside and going through them.  Just like on Hoarders.

I have Hoarders on the brain today, because my house is EXTRA bad. Seriously, I ate yogurt with a fork this morning because all of the spoons were in the sink.  And the laundry is absolutely ridiculous (yet everyone still has clothes?).  I really haven’t been feeling well the last few days. Apparently I put myself into a bit of a withdrawal state when I forgot to fill my Cymbalta last week. It was sort of like a hangover only the headache was worse. Who knew forgetting for a few days would make me feel so yucky? Most of the time the mood meds don’t really do that to me, so I thought I had the flu and just sat around for the whole weekend. AND I’m not the only one who knows how the dishwasher works. My husband hasn’t exactly been busy lately, he’s been on a new computer game.

Yep, I’m a gamer widow again. Sigh. He’s on the chat thing for HOURS, and I swear their little guild thing has more drama than the fourth grade girls in my neighborhood (I’ve suggested a headset on several occasions because I don’t enjoy overhearing them all that much). I honestly don’t get the appeal of these MMORPG games. From what I can tell from my 15 years of observation (Oh yeah, been a gamer widow since the first Everquest came out, lucky me) you make a big group called a guild who you then argue with or call inappropriate names 90% of the time you’re online. The rest of the time you do little “quests” or “raids” to get “loot” and get your character to a higher level.  It’s all pretend, except for the people who pay real money to get virtual stuff or get their characters to a higher level, which I REALLY don’t understand. I think my husband likes the social part of it, because he likes to be in charge, AND he likes to kind of embellish his personal details. Online you can be anyone you want. In person eventually people will have heard all of your stories, and they start to figure out that your personality is just a bit TOO big, but online when that happens you get a new guild, or a new game. I shouldn’t complain TOO much about the gaming, it provided my Master’s research material back in 2009 and 2010. I focused on internet addiction, which was a new idea then. Gaming and social media were just starting to get big, so I had to really dig to find any source material that wasn’t about porn and gambling. It was fascinating! And interestingly, he quit playing for a pretty long time after he realized I was calling him an addict. Apparently it bothered him, but not enough to never play again. Just goes to show that you can never trust a junkie.

Today is a very not-focused kind of day. I’m going to go be disappointed by some election results.

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Comments on: "I can’t foucs" (2)

  1. Cymbalta can be very nasty to withdraw from, so please be careful. I was disappointed in most of the election results xo Laura

    • You know, it really was unpleasant, I just couldn’t describe it very well. I rarely forget to fill anything and I thought all SSRI’s had long half-lives so it wouldn’t be a big deal when I did. That is NOT a mistake I’ll make again. Thanks for your concern : )

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