So its been awhile. But I figured it was time to attempt to get back in the game, and what better motivation than NaBloPoMo. I tell you what, just getting started today was overwhelming and I almost called it quits. So many badges and sign-ups and “post here’s and prompts! It’s enough to drive a person right back out the door (or away from the keyboard). But after a couple of attempts at adding the badge I gave up and decided I had better just start or I’ll never get any actual words on the page. And ultimately that is the goal: words on the page. I made myself a little more accountable this year, and announced my NaBloPoMo intentions in a Facebook group. It’s actually a health group, but I decided this counts as a mental health goal, and I really do need SOMEBODY keeping an eye on me, because I don’t really trust myself to stick with it otherwise. And I do think writing again is important for my mental health. I think I have lost my “voice” somewhere along the way and am just going through the motions every day. Not going through them very well, I might add, as my house currently resembles an episode of Hoarders again.
For awhile I did okay at setting a schedule/daily goals for myself around the house, but I have given up for the most part. It’s such a thankless job, you know? And it never, EVER ends. The minute the laundry is done the chute is full. The second you pick up one room you can’t walk through the next one. Immediately after you load the dishwasher the sink is full again. The instant you finish cooking they’re hungry again and right as you put the last grocery away there’s “nothing to eat”. I just can not for the life of me see the point of any of it. It was easier when they were babies, babies are so HAPPY when they’re fed and changed and they snuggle and smile at you and you want to do anything to see that smile! And when they got a little bigger and I worried about them putting stuff in their mouths and choking or getting hurt I was much more careful around the house too. But now they’re 9 and 18 (yes he has autism, so its kind of like having a big 10-year-old, but still, technically he’s an adult) and I feel like a maid and a personal chef and a taxi driver more than the mom a lot of the time and quite honestly I’ve kind of just quit. I know there are people out there who get a tremendous amount of satisfaction from a spotless home and organized linen closets, but there is just no way I will ever be that person.
I got to thinking about this because my husband’s mom was texting me at midnight last night about how the state of my house keeps her up at night. And it took every single ounce of my will power (and that is not something I have a lot of) to tell her that it was probably the vodka keeping her awake at night more than my house. She’s obsessed with STUFF, that woman. Getting stuff, organizing stuff, “selling” stuff (I don’t know that she actually sells much of anything, but she has little booths at places and an Ebay account), knowing how much stuff is worth. Stuff is kind of her thing, stuff and vodka. She raised my husband in a very clean, almost sterile, house full of stuff. But she wasn’t into mom stuff like attending sporting events or school activities or helping with homework or just hanging out with him. So it kind of irritates me (okay it a lot irritates me) when she tells me how worried about my kids she is because my house is messy. Because yeah, its messy, but I’m still there for the important stuff and my kids don’t doubt for a second that they’re loved. They think I’m weird, and they are every bit as messy as I am, but they know that at the end of the day I’m there for them no matter what, and that no stuff is more important than they are.
Weird, so NOT where I expected this to go. Funny how that happens..