Blah. I am in a dull grey sort of mood. I don’t quite know where to start today, but I feel like I better do something because yesterday I didn’t write anything. And because I’m currently sharing computer with super gaming addict spouse who will be home soon and then opportunity will be lost for the day. But blah is about all I have to say. Sigh.
Last night I was in the mood to rant, but I’m kinda over it now I think. Here’s the thing: A lot of the people I know act like I should go back to work, or are super put-out by my disability and medicare.
I won my disability case. AGAIN. I was on disability before, for like 10 years. I went back to work and school because husband complained constantly that my check wasn’t big enough. Well of course it wasn’t, I’d been a student for most of my life, and I’d been fired from every real job I’d had. THEN I made too much money (at my part-time job????) to keep said check and its accompanying benefits and got kicked off of disability and had to reapply for it BECAUSE even though I have a Master’s degree now (husband enjoyed student loan checks when starting his business) I’m never going to be a good employee or get hired by anyone here. I almost didn’t graduate more than once (in both undergraduate and graduate degrees). I took incompletes and changed internship sites because I couldn’t get a long; I honestly graduated by the skin of my teeth. And while I’m fairly decent at doing the actual counseling work (I think) I will never ever be able to keep up with the paper work. On top of that, this is a very small community and I am what’s considered an SPMI (Severely and Persistently Mentally Ill) client. Everyone in the field knows that, they talk. So who is realistically going to hire me?
I am not going back to work. I’m not going to jeopardize the small disability check that I just won AGAIN (it is not easy to win a disability case based on a mental illness because you LOOK fine) and the medicare that I desperately need, because other people are unhappy with their financial situations. I am sorry that you don’t think its fair, but you know what? I don’t think its fair either. I would much rather be going to work from 9-5 every day like everyone else. I had planned on having a career too, you know. And I would really enjoy having my own money and not having my husband be my payee because I’m not considered responsible. I don’t think its fair that my brain doesn’t work like everyone elses and only goes warp speed or not at all. And I really don’t think its fair that my life is almost completely controlled by meds (that are eating my stomach and killing my brain): too much of this and I’m like a 6-year-old with a sugar rush and too little of that and I’m a two-toed sloth. I can’t make decisions about anything, I’m overwhelmed by everything, and I have almost no control over my own life. So I am tired of all the “she gets money for free” and “she doesn’t work because she’s lazy” and “when are you going back to work?” shit. Talk to me about it’s not fair when you want to trade brains. Otherwise, shut up about it already.